thoughts

What now? This is one of the questions that always run in my mind almost everyday starting from the time that I open my eyes when I wake up in the morning until I get back to bed begin on dreaming almost the same things. I had tough days for the past months. Those days can be considered as the hardest days of my life. I was faced with situations that demanded critical analysis. Moreover, I got to choose between lots of things as to what should stay for me and what should be given up. I have to exert tremendous effort in understanding myself and eventually know who and what I really am. Weird as it may seem, but truest in the sense that it really happened. The things that were simply stories of unknown people before are the dilemmas of no other than me – my tangible body and my vulnerable mind and emotions. I have to loosen up my tight feelings just to cope up with emotional demands. It’s hard to explain what I have been through. I know that even now, I am still trying my very best to finally get over the events that happened and say that I have really moved on.

last night's fever

i was supposed to sleep early last night for i have classes this morning. it was advertised that miss earth pageant runs at 9:30 and so i got a little interested with the international roll of the said beauty competition. my interest got even more boosted when i have learned that the host of the event is one of the personalities that i really am admiring. he's none other than mtv vj utt.

it's not actually about his career as a mtv host that impressed me much. his performance is really remarkable introducing videos for mtv. apart from that, he has been an excellent host of disney buzz. i can still remember the times that i still have time watching the channel. he is really good. it was the time that i started admiring his wit as well as his extraordinary potential to host. it's so natural and absolutely interest-catching.

now, he has just hosted miss earth in the philippines. had i known it beforehand, i could have tried watching the live pageant just to see the excellent host. he has very good ad libs during the show. his english is so clear apart from the fact that he is thai and not most of the people in thailand can speak good english. i wonder if he is a polyglot. being an international channel host, he might have gone acquainted with so many people, particularly celebrities, from different races. he might have learned lots of language. that makes a total difference. that makes a total impression on me.

i wish that one day, i'll be able to meet this icon. a nice conversation with him will be enough to satisfy my craving for this celebrity. that's how weird i am. after all, what is then wrong with admiring a celebrity? one day, he might get so kind to share tips in hosting that i can adopt in my amateur career as a local host. =) he might be too far from me but i really dream of living a life following the hectic schedule of a professional television host.

for you...

baby, i still love you
i got only one you...
you know who you are!

i wish somehow you know
that i really love you so...

pictures of mine...

i hate wearing my glasses..but i should...
i'll make sure it won't take me long to use this...

very formal during school days...
got to wear a descent undershirt, then that
ID plus a neat hair...
well, i just love it still...

well it doesn't follow that since sunny days are over,
you shouldn't be wearing shades anymore...you can still do so, well, dust are still scattered everywhere..don't want them to get in mah eyes...

just closing the door before finally leaving home...hehehehe

i love taking pictures (of myself..hehehehe)...
yah, i am not that good looking but i just have this feeling that i should still be proud of this face...it's still God-given...

second day and third day watching harry potter...

definitely, i did as what i have promised. i'll be watching harry potter everyday until the theater billboard changes for the next film to be shown. the second day was great because there were just reasonable number of people inside. i still had time taking rough screen photos of some of my favorite scenes. i really like the kissing scene of harry and cho chang. it makes me feel like participating. hahaha... just kidding. i just felt so good for harry that at last he came of age to feel love. without him knowing, it's also going to hurt him. but it's going to be on the later parts and sequels that he'll realize that.

the second day is today. i watched the movie at 1 PM immediately after i took my lunch. i should not miss it really. i had a meeting at 4 so i got to make it at 1, giving me exact 3 hours for the film. there were lots of viewers in the orchestra. of course, since i hate crowd i sat at the balcony. i wondered why those people sat there considering that the fee is the same and it is more comfortable to be at the balcony. anyway, it's their choice. i focused on the falling prophecy balls today. the cinematography is really great. it's fantastic and really amazing. how i wish i could do an interview with the animators.

on the other hand, sound in the theater here in naga is really different from that in manila. how i wish i could have that dolby powered 3-d movie-watching experience. anyway, everything is still great because i had my third day date with harry, ron and hermione. tomorrow, i'll be sseing them once again - same hairstyle and same clothes...=)

harry potter rocks! my first day...

i entered the theater as if it was my first time to learn about the boy who lived. i walked innocently in the dark pathway and proceeded to a vacant seat. all i have is myself ready to watch my most awaited movie. absolutely, i am a lunatic fanatic - a die-hard obsessed guy who dreams of becoming one of the wizards of Hogwartz School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

my promise to myself? i'm gonna watch the movie over and over again in the big screen. i got a super busy schedule but i'll let it fit. i'd be very glad to evaluate if i imagined everything rightly, when then i read the ever treasured book. indeed, i am proud that most fall the way i imagined them. though, i got disappointed on the magic fights which seemed like too much shortened. i remembered that it was 3 in the morning when i decided not to stop reading the order of the phoenix two years ago. i was very much suspensed by dumbledore's encounter with voldemort, sirius' death and many more. my heart really pondered differently...

now, i'll be having them on consecutive days in the big screen. my desire and excitement will never decline. when i say i love something, i really mean it. i love HP and i mean to say i'm crazy over it.

primary reason - as of now, it shifts my attention really well. it gives me time to rest my feelings. it gives me an escape to the terrible madness beneath my heart. it tells me that the magical world could be real even just for days. soon i'll be back. but, this time, let me digress..let me smile...let me frown for harry..let me cry for my love for literature...let me think of my passion...let me be happy...even for a while...

at last...

busy..busy..busy..it's my way to keep my sanity...

it's been quite a while that i had my last post for this blog of mine. well, let us just say that i got extremely lazy to go check the net that often and most of all go write for my regular entries. more than being lazy, i just have to prioritize the mountainous school works that filled my study table before and during my preliminary examinations. added to it, i had to work for the accreditation of our debate organization. moreover, i had to go to legazpi and spend a couple of days there to attend the membership assembly of the philippine nursing students' association bicol chapter. the last has been the worst add-up activity i would say. because of that, i had to prolong my agony with my examinations in two major subjects just because of my absence prior to my attendance in the said convention. on the other hand, it was a good experience. i was able to meet my fellow nursing students from different parts of the region. they were all great and i might as well say i did great with them. now, another responsibility has been added to me as for my appointment as one of the regional staffers of the pnsa publication. when i went back to naga, it wasn't home that i directed my feet to. it was in the stage where i worked with two of my friends to host an event. it was a terrific experience. we did have great fun with each other. it was the first time that i saw myself laugh that hard again. if only i could command that moment to multiply for my everyday needs, i could be so happy right now.

busy, busy, busy...that is all that i ever wanted. it makes me become more productive. it lets me cope up with the new environment that i have. most of all, it is a means to bring back what i was before. the energy should live on. dreams should never fade. nothing should ever stop me from persevering to become a better me for myself and for the good people around me...

nobody by akon and nivea

i really like this song so much...maybe you have listened to it already...as of now, i just want to listen to it...

at my best

i just finished my return demonstration today on five nursing procedures. after two two sessions of waiting, finally i was called to go for the second to the last demonstration slot. i would have chosen to go first but i have to follow the line up. basically, i am very much pissed off by the fact that i have to wait for the next session before i have my turn. i hate it when i wait like that in a performance. it's like keeping the burden longer or the agony i would say is very much prolonged. on the other hand, it's through. all i have to do now is to prepare more for the next preliminary examinations left for me. i finished my biostatistics, english and my favorite microbiology and parasitology. with regards to how i did in those, i am not so certain. i just wish i get good scores to pass them. on the other hand, if i would demand, i just need high grades really. hehehe. microbiology examination has been the greatest so far. it's the most difficult but i know it's where i prepared most. the fifty-item multiple choice, twenty-item identification, and thirty-item definition types of tests were really a big challenge to how well i listened to my seventy-four year old genius teacher. yes, i said it right. my teacher is seventy-four years old. damn, she's really good. i never expected that she'd even teach a lot better than the younger ones. that matters alot to me. i need good teachers. i want to get challenged. the more difficult activities and tests given, the more also that i am motivated to be at my best.

when i got thinking again...

yes you are absolutely right. if you have been one of those people who followed the tragic story of my life, you are correct with your postulate. the chance did not work. we broke up. later on, we got together again. but we broke up again. the following day, he was in the theater with someone. the following night he called and we talked for hours. no wonder, i was again so stupid and we got together again. but the following day, with just a word, we again splitted. so funny how things worked this week. it was a series of hellos and good byes. worse than ever, it was a sequel of events in the story that i am entitling "stupid connivance". his heart together with the raging storm of nature's hatred for an imperfect person like me joined their forces to bring my feelings to the core of the earth. i am so down. i am so much relieved of my sanity. i know i am getting crazy. but one thing for sure, i have been so human. i can still feel the earth moving. i can still feel the sun's heat on my skin. i can still recognize the images around me. but one thing, i lost my trust in a person i once declared perfect...

this chance is a chance of a lifetime. i want to take this whole-heartedly because i know we both deserve the chance to correct the mistakes that we had before. this is an avenue for us to improve ourselves more while looking in the eyes of each other. i'm totally more romantic but i want to hold back a little. it's not to reserve anything for myself and doubt about the success of this chance. it's about making you feel more at ease with me. i don't want to ever make you feel like i want to hold you in the neck honey. i want to make things simple yet the feeling stays the same - extravagant and extremely true. i don't have the courage to tell you this honey. the truth is, i am just loving you even more. even through the times that you weren't by my side, i know i am still very much in love with you. you were there in my mind every minute of my life and i never let go of your thought. it is because i know that i'll be able to claim my space in your heart once again. baby, beyond all the things that you see around you, may you be able to perceive my love which has never ever diminished. i know i am imperfect but let me find a way to be a little closer to perfection. i can only do that if i have you.

if having you again is a dream, please wake me up. i don't want to live a life that is just an abstract of reality. but if this is for real, please do make it with me honey. will you hold my hands tighter and never let go? check out my heart...there's this you and i'm forever in love with you...

i have to wake up 3 this morning. whaaaaaat? yes, it's true. it's getting a big deal because i have been waking up really very early for seven days straight already, considering that i have classes early in each morning. even though it's sunday, my school has not saved me from responsibility. this time they are sending me for a conference. though i am really so tired and i planned to lay down the whole sunday, i just can't say no to the level chair. maybe you'll ask why i wake up so early if it's going to be 7 or 8 that the activity will start? there's a funny answer to that. i am a snail in the morning. if i don't do this, i'd probabaly get super late. it takes me forever in doing my routines. so to make it on time, i wake up really early.

i just hope the conference will be finished earlier so that i can still study for my quizzes tomorrow. furthemore, i miss my bed and i just want to sleep more. on the other hand, i am still very lucky that i made it to go to church yesterday. at least i made sure God has a time for me. Well, what more should i ask for but more energy to carry out this mountainous tasks. i think it's better that i am very much busy rather than be so unoccupied and pensive.

still the same feeling

i think i'll die thinking of you...
love is just really so sticky...
it's still here to stay...
you're in my mind all the time...
you may not know...
but i know you feel that i am just here...
still loving you...

the big change

it's so hard to see things change the way you never wished it to be. i cut this thought short. we try our best to preserve all things. that is the reason why there is this pain from within. we wish to give more fights but there he goes, taking someone's arms already. as for now, it doesn't matter anymore if i lost that chance to be happy with you. all i want is to say thank you for once in my lifetime you also got mesmerized by the love i gave. as you carry on with life, take the best foot forward. peace out! hay, thank God you don't know about this little corner that i have! it's only in here that i get so true about missing you...

teardrops...

maybe there is really no more reasons to say there's hope between the two of us. on the other hand, i still keep on hoping that even for just a minute you'll realize that i am the one who you love most. you told me then to wake you up when all things go this way. you told me not to let you go for you might just be blinded by many other things. now? this very moment, how can i prove that you are just blinded? or is this all true already? do i have to wake myself up and say that indeed you have forgotten about the heart which you took and the heart which you gave away. i want to smile but all seems so untrue. even my real emotions is very indistinguishable. i don't know if i am just really happy in a moment or i am just pretending throughout the day. i cry over our past because it's the sweetest memory that i've ever had. i reminisce on the times we shared the laughter. i think of how i cared for you. i am stuck on those pieces, which if you integrate, will make up the whole image of two of us who were both true to each other. many have already gone your way presently. out of those, you might have found one who you think is better. i feel this hurt within. but what else could i do now but cry again. you're taken...you're no longer mine...is your heart really his already? if it is, then just be happy...just be happy and live a joyful life with the man of your innermost dreams...

this time let me wish something for myself...

all of my life i lived up to what God would wish me to do. i am happy that in many ways i tried to be human to all the people who came my way. there were many who made me feel so sad and caused me to think that i am left alone. i even thought to myself that i am damned or fooled and worst doomed by destiny. i asked what wrong did i do for life to ever put me to this kind of an unfair situation. it was like thinking i fought too much yet i haven't acquired any treasure to hold for the rest of my life. despite all, i continued to love, love and love..i continued to hope that when i wake up one morning love has finally found me...

just this morning, i was tasked to gather airborne bacteria in vitro inside the school chapel. i chose the place for i know i have to wait for twenty minutes and i'll feel so awkward if i'll do it inside the comfort room or the school lobby. i was inside the chapel waiting for twenty minutes to be over when i looked at the center of the altar. blatantly you know what i saw, it's jesus image on his ascension. i took a glance at his hands and asked myself if how jesus would have felt the time he ascended. maybe he was happy saving the humanity. but what good thing did he ever get for himself? i woke myself up with the conscious thought that He is God. it's so divine for him to do something good for others though he has everything already.

i told myself that maybe i am not God but God is in me. thus, maybe i can also do something without expecting anything anymore. this time, i'll start it with this love that i'll let go. you might love him really more than how you ever felt for me. then, go for it. it's now alright that i did my best and definitely you haven't done your best to compensate it all. it's just for honesty. i want you to start it all right. do the best to carve your images in each other's heart well. learn from the mistakes that we committed. preserve the love make it last the way we perceived eternity before.

i won one fight out of a million...

i had a very busy week i would say. it's very obvious that schedule has been hectic. i just wish i had still made it in updating my blog regularly. but i failed in it. it's a challenge for me. if i'd be able to balance my studies and extra curricular activities (included in here are blogging, surfing the net, reading articles, novels and out of school subject matters), that would mean that i am just prepared to face my nearing second semester as a second year nursing student. anyway, i am just starting. i am still trying to adjust to the way everything is going. i cannot deny that i am still hesitant of choosing this career. it's still communication arts that is being shouted by my heart. on the other hand, it is undeniable that i am gradually learning to love the art that i've been into. my present schedule inhibits me from waking up late in the morning six days in a week. imagine that from monday to wednesday i have a class that starts at eight and on thursday down to saturday, i have my major subject that starts at seven. i am not strange to this kind of set-up because of my high school training. although it's not that hard, it's still not that easy. there is a clear vivid and broader demand now. it's not just about perfecting the quizzes. it's also about making sure that retention of knowledge is there. board exam is the bottomline thought.

although these are all making necessary changes, i still can't deny that my lifestyle remains genuine. i love waking up in the morning with the though that i'd be spending twenty minutes in the table, forty-five minutes in the comfort room and thirty minutes for grooming. much more, i love the thought that i am just enjoying everything as far as i know. though there is stress caused by the demand, i can see that i am happy. reasons include the big support from my family and of course the caring friends and appreciative people around me. just the thought that my mom smiles everytime i story on my school achievements, my teacher telling me that i made a good report and my classmate asking me to help her out with something - all of these make me say i am doing good and everything is in the right track.

i cannot deny that part of me still longs for one person. maybe to have that one back would make everything perfect. but i know it's an impossible dream. a dream is a dream unless the dream recognizes itself and turns itself into reality. i can wait. i have never been in a rush. i shouldn't search for love anymore. it's going to come at the right place and at the right time with the right person. i'll just stick to my principles, past promises and of course to what my heart tells me with now an aid from my little intelligence.

college life is so much fun. i get to love; i get to cry; i get to succeed; i get to fall; i get everything i want(is it? hahaha. just kidding)..this is life...i just have to dance with it...i hope i can really do so...i hope so...

baby....

i am thinking of you right now. i have these tears again. i miss you so much. i am so sorry i cannot stop my feelings. i want to set my heart free but i really can't. you are in my mind every second. it's still you that i aim to see at the end of the day. it's still you that i dream to wake up in my future mornings. i love you baby. whatever happens don't you forget that. it's the only key to letting you know how much you mean to me. underneath the same big sky, i know we are still together. you are far yet in my heart you are closest. my postulate is that i indeed can't live without you. i miss you..i love you...aaaaaaaahhhhhhh....

short...

i have been silent for the past days and so i was not able to update my blog. there were really lots of things to do and i have to make the most of time taking all the tasks so that i'll be able to meet all the requirements. it's really hard when you are a nursing student. although i am just on my second year, i am already having a glimpse of the future test`

brief thoughts before lying down for sleep...LOVING ON MY OWN

i love this feeling of loving on my own..but it hurts to think that as i look in your eyes, i know it's just a picture and the real you is out there in the sky who might have flown with someone else already. it's not about your physical existence that matters now. it's the thought that in my heart there is love and that love is for the same person to whom once i said these three words - I LOVE YOU! Good night...wherever you are, whatever you do, i am always thinking of you. YOu never know about me anymore. My thoughts and my living is now bizarre to you. It's ok that my existence could have been forgotten by you. but for me? you'll never be vaporized...as the thought of the love that we have once shared lingers in this hurt heart of mine, i'd still smile for a second and say I AM GLAD I LIVED AND I MET YOU...

the way my friends are doing right now saddens me

i have these two friends who are lovers. just the past days they had a big fight and they are currently unstable. each time i see them snob each other, i always relate with a common feeling that i know they both have. later on this evening, the guy started to say his sorry. i have always been close to this girl friend of mine. i was affected that this girl friend of mine seems not to realize about the sincerity of the guy. i cannot actually tell but i have this feeling that she should have given him that chance. i remember how i lost that chance. my previous relationship has ended without a mere personal contact. i feel so sad that sorries did not work on us. on my friend's side, i feel the essence of that sorry. i hope i felt the same way. but i think, what i thinking of is that i have a like-the-guy partner who would try to have me once again. i did my best, but my best wasn't good enough, what could have happened if he has also shown his best? i always wonder on that.

this time, i am holding the gift that my girl friend refused to receive from his boyfriend. i promised the guy to hand it over to the girl on my best. this gift makes me think of a chance that they have and a chance that i have lost. if they only know about it - it's the chance to be happy. still, i believe i can't tell most for them. i have my own case and they also have theirs. the point is as long as there is chance, there should always be an effort geared towards fighting and making everything better.

i want to cry right now..i am again missing someone...i hate it when i am in this status. i am being unproductive and very much weird.

oh God please help me...this is really not good anymore...

yesterday, i was feeling so brave of moving. i got that little courage to say that i can now manage. but now..what is this? why is it that i am regretting over saying that i am strong. maybe because my little bravery has already expired. i am back to the real me - so vulnerable and truly weak. Oh God, please help me. i just want You to guide me through these dark premonitions that are on the loose in my mind. you know how i pray hard to you each day of my life. You know that my desire is geared towards one thing that i don't want to say because i want to deny it for always. i hate to think that i am like this stupid. why am i thinking of the same person each day and night? can u give me that strength to let go of the past that made me cry pails of tears. right this very moment, i am tempted to view his friendster account. that is one thing that i haven't done for the past weeks since i made my own. i just want to check if this person is doing just fine and if another person has already been found by that person again. maybe, i feel all these things out of great inferiority. i feel so bad about myself for being like this. being me is the cause of why our relationship has not worked. but what do i have to do? do i have to change? this is me...and i cannot live a life of pretention just to satisfy my partner. Lord, I always wantto follow the trail of your light. let me be on it right now. tell me if there is really hope between the two of us. why am i so disturbed? is anything happening? could that person be thinking of me also. Oh God, help me! don't make me lose my head. I trust your providence. I know i will not be able to pass this test if there is no You. Lord, I just wanna give this true love to the person that is so right...please prove me Lord that i am right in this unchanged thought that that person is the undefeated right one for me...

way back into love

could there still be such thing?

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration 
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

nobody knows...

it's already 11:30 in my watch. i still have my classes early 7 tomorrow. i have just finished my homework and the few pages of the book that i am currently finishing. my aunt knocked at my door to offer my bedtime milk. i should be fast sleeping by now. but look, my eyes are wide open and my consciousness is still at its peak. i need a psychologist to analyze the way my mind is running this time. maybe i just need someone to talk to. lately i have found out that i seldom talk to people. i am so glad that i have my daily professors who never failed to call me for recitation. at least, in a day, i manage to talk and share a little about my ideas.

i just can't trust anybody anymore. i don't know why but i am so afraid. i don't know who are those true people are. i feel really so weird. i would often look at the skyline and seconds later i'll find out that time has passed faster than ever and i was looking at the same thing. i thought well and reckoned that i might be losing my sanity already. on the other hand, the fact that i can still deliver this message is a manifestation that i am still in control of my mind. i remembered a line from a book with this character who got crazy - "goodbye sweet sanity." i was very much unimpressed with the author. i don't think one can get crazy if he or she knows he or she will get crazy. so be it - i am not yet losing my mind. but what is happening?

i think i am just not at peace. i keep on thinking about things that i should no longer mind now. but how could i? those things are already my life. =( i would say they were the reasons why i wake up each day and persevere to become a better person. i just wish i could find a new reason to start. like what my previous blogs conveyed, i want a life...it's so long that i have been dead.

i can see that nobody seems to care about what i really feel. but i don't wanna mind it. it's my fault. i have always been so private. i would keep all my hurts by myself. this blog is like my diary. nobody seems to visit this. i don't know if there are anybody who tried reading my fuckin' entries. but what matters most is that i say what i want.

nobody knows i am in great sorrow..that's it...

starting from now...

it's so odd that after all the pain that i have experienced, i am still standing. but that thing just makes me say that God has never left my side. He made me feel so genuine once again. although there are still these traces or scars, i know i am healing up. sooner or later, i'll prove my lines that i'll get stronger than ever.

starting from now, i should try not to think of falling in love again. it's really hard. i can still remember the very first time i fell. she just went away, the other ones played and the last one might have fooled me and made me settle on wordly urges. there is really a danger in loving somebody too much. loving will always ask you to give your best. later on, you'll just see that that best will never be appreciated. at the sight of imperfection, lust and earthly things, one will forget about love and search for someone who can simply satisfy high standard criteria. i am not perfect. i never experienced being so and i think i'll never ever experience it. forever, i'll be living with the same me. just these times, i realized that i have really accepted who i am. before, i say i would change me just to satisfy him. but this time, it's no longer like that. i'll remain to be me. take it or leave it. i am best with what and who i am. no matter how many times you discriminate me from other guys, i know i am unique and nobody can ever be me.

starting from now, i shall love myself more. i have gone a long way waking up with the thought of other's comfort. right, i should have not said or thought about this. but, i have learned. since you haven't appreciated the best that i am giving, then let me just give that best for me. i would have really been very glad to give that to you because i truly love you. on the other hand, you discarded them all, you put my efforts into waste.

starting from now, i'll be a better man...and i promise that when we see each other in the crossroad, i'll have my face chinned up. it's not to boast about me, but to let you know i am still standing stronger than ever to face this bizarre life on my own. life is too short. i really wished to spend it with you and see the days come and nights fade in eternity. but, we could have really lost that chance...

starting from now, i'll try to set my heart free the way you made me feel like you have easily let me off your heart. the bad thing is that i cannot anymore sing the most of the songs in my playlist. they all remind me of you...of us. i'll try not to miss you. i'll make the most of my available time so that i;ll not be left vacant. with that, i will no longer feel pro-longed pain and my eyes will rest from these tears. three months ago, i let you hold my heart...three months ago, i trusted your hands...have you really failed me?

starting from now, i'll do my best to fulfill my promises to myself...i always mean my promises...let me mean it for myself this time...

early feelings...

i have never had a nice wake up since i broke up with my previous relationship. i always have this different kind of feeling when i start to open my eye or even sooner after i gather up a partial consciousness out of being asleep. this morning, it happened again. my heart was beating too fast and all i know was that i was thinking of many things that happened in the past. the situation is so regular. it's really clear that i am still thinking about that person. my mind is always pre-occupied by the thoughts of this person who happened to be the one who made me believe in so many promises.

when i start to recall back on the days that we were still together, i cannot help but cry on so many things that were put into nothing. i was once told by this person that guarantee is already assured that we'll be making it until the end. i looked back on those messages that i kept and it hurts me a lot to know that once I was told of being the best. later on, before we broke i heard words that the person got mistaken in saying that best was found in me. Maybe someone far better than me was really found. what hurts most was that i was not accepted for who i am. it was from that person that i expected much about acceptance. it was a chagrin to know that I'll find the grim discrimination in that person's thoughts and words.

one thing is for sure..i keep on denying my love because i am very much disappointed with what the person did to me. on the other hand, everything is just a denial of the truth that love lingers in my heart...as it continually lingers in me, I'll never stop getting hurt for it's simultaneously lined with the feeling of hope that someday we'll end up together again.

music and me

before, i was just very much interested with the tune of the song. later on i have found that the real essence of the songs lies on its lyrics. it's the content that cultivates the soul of the song. i have never been this kind of music lover like before. on the other hand, i think it's the present need of mine which made me crave for the right music each day of my life...Recently, i have encountered a lot of challenges. Most are emotional. On the other hand, physically, i am also affected. i haven't slept for nights for i kept on thinking about the why's on earth. life has been so unfair as what i always told myself. i have been good but i have never experienced prolonged bliss. Music actually boosted my emotions. it made me feel more about the aches. i hated it at first. later on, i realized music just helped me face the reality. it made me conquer all the fears left by my experiences. now all i can say is that i wanna pray harder and lean to God. There is no one who can understand me the way He does. When He gave music, He gave me the hope to see the light on these things. I know I should never get stagnant with my emotions. I should change. I am not demanding time to make it faster. Gradually, I shall learn to forget. The hard thing is that music keeps on reminding me that there's an unexpected thing that I should always get myself prepared of. Whatever it is, I shall sing with it once again. As i do so in the future, I'll try to prolong the lyrics and add more notes so that it will not end that fast...As for now, I wanna rest...COULD YOU JUST GIVE ME A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON AS I TRY TO BE A BETTER MAN?...

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

status check: the reason behind the changes

it's actually a sad day for me. my friend reacted when i told her about it a while ago. she said "hey paul, it seems like you're sadness is becoming very regular. you're not being like that before. now, it seems like everyday is a sad day for you." i wished to defend myself and say that she's mistaken. but what for? she is just right..she's too accurate in her observation. maybe she has seen lots about my behavior lately. i do smile on jokes but it's no longer like before that i'll give a reply or another to prolong conversations. currently, i would just wish to be alone rather that be with the crowd. this is actually making schooling a hard thing now. given the chance, i'd wish to hire a tutor. but how could i do so with me taking up Nursing. It's pathetic to hire a private or personal clinical instructor to teach me with the lots.

the reason behind these gross changes is my inability to adjust. another i think is my inability to accept that i believed and my believe was too impartial and it did not realize.
so abstract as my statement would seem but it's the best words that i can safely use to let you know about the reasons behind it all. simple truth: i am not fine but i am trying to be so...

the start

i have never expected that through all these years that i have been spending my life, one day i'll come to know more about who i really am. it's indeed true. you never know who you really are until time makes it possible for you to do so. Accordingly, it could have just been one of God's little surprises that one day i'll come to discover about something that i have never noticed before. With all these i remember my Philosophy class. it made real sense that everything i learned really applies. it says that i am just human. being human is simultaneously associated with being a finite individual. thus, i don't have the ability to fully comprehend with everything for i do not have the capacity to do so. Only the infinite mind of the supernatural Creator can give me the answers to the varying questions that rock my mind as of the recent times.

now that i know more about me, i'll continue to search for my partial finity. it all starts now as i let some people know about experiences that define my mind's prolific vicinity...