i won one fight out of a million...

i had a very busy week i would say. it's very obvious that schedule has been hectic. i just wish i had still made it in updating my blog regularly. but i failed in it. it's a challenge for me. if i'd be able to balance my studies and extra curricular activities (included in here are blogging, surfing the net, reading articles, novels and out of school subject matters), that would mean that i am just prepared to face my nearing second semester as a second year nursing student. anyway, i am just starting. i am still trying to adjust to the way everything is going. i cannot deny that i am still hesitant of choosing this career. it's still communication arts that is being shouted by my heart. on the other hand, it is undeniable that i am gradually learning to love the art that i've been into. my present schedule inhibits me from waking up late in the morning six days in a week. imagine that from monday to wednesday i have a class that starts at eight and on thursday down to saturday, i have my major subject that starts at seven. i am not strange to this kind of set-up because of my high school training. although it's not that hard, it's still not that easy. there is a clear vivid and broader demand now. it's not just about perfecting the quizzes. it's also about making sure that retention of knowledge is there. board exam is the bottomline thought.

although these are all making necessary changes, i still can't deny that my lifestyle remains genuine. i love waking up in the morning with the though that i'd be spending twenty minutes in the table, forty-five minutes in the comfort room and thirty minutes for grooming. much more, i love the thought that i am just enjoying everything as far as i know. though there is stress caused by the demand, i can see that i am happy. reasons include the big support from my family and of course the caring friends and appreciative people around me. just the thought that my mom smiles everytime i story on my school achievements, my teacher telling me that i made a good report and my classmate asking me to help her out with something - all of these make me say i am doing good and everything is in the right track.

i cannot deny that part of me still longs for one person. maybe to have that one back would make everything perfect. but i know it's an impossible dream. a dream is a dream unless the dream recognizes itself and turns itself into reality. i can wait. i have never been in a rush. i shouldn't search for love anymore. it's going to come at the right place and at the right time with the right person. i'll just stick to my principles, past promises and of course to what my heart tells me with now an aid from my little intelligence.

college life is so much fun. i get to love; i get to cry; i get to succeed; i get to fall; i get everything i want(is it? hahaha. just kidding)..this is life...i just have to dance with it...i hope i can really do so...i hope so...

baby....

i am thinking of you right now. i have these tears again. i miss you so much. i am so sorry i cannot stop my feelings. i want to set my heart free but i really can't. you are in my mind every second. it's still you that i aim to see at the end of the day. it's still you that i dream to wake up in my future mornings. i love you baby. whatever happens don't you forget that. it's the only key to letting you know how much you mean to me. underneath the same big sky, i know we are still together. you are far yet in my heart you are closest. my postulate is that i indeed can't live without you. i miss you..i love you...aaaaaaaahhhhhhh....

short...

i have been silent for the past days and so i was not able to update my blog. there were really lots of things to do and i have to make the most of time taking all the tasks so that i'll be able to meet all the requirements. it's really hard when you are a nursing student. although i am just on my second year, i am already having a glimpse of the future test`

brief thoughts before lying down for sleep...LOVING ON MY OWN

i love this feeling of loving on my own..but it hurts to think that as i look in your eyes, i know it's just a picture and the real you is out there in the sky who might have flown with someone else already. it's not about your physical existence that matters now. it's the thought that in my heart there is love and that love is for the same person to whom once i said these three words - I LOVE YOU! Good night...wherever you are, whatever you do, i am always thinking of you. YOu never know about me anymore. My thoughts and my living is now bizarre to you. It's ok that my existence could have been forgotten by you. but for me? you'll never be vaporized...as the thought of the love that we have once shared lingers in this hurt heart of mine, i'd still smile for a second and say I AM GLAD I LIVED AND I MET YOU...

the way my friends are doing right now saddens me

i have these two friends who are lovers. just the past days they had a big fight and they are currently unstable. each time i see them snob each other, i always relate with a common feeling that i know they both have. later on this evening, the guy started to say his sorry. i have always been close to this girl friend of mine. i was affected that this girl friend of mine seems not to realize about the sincerity of the guy. i cannot actually tell but i have this feeling that she should have given him that chance. i remember how i lost that chance. my previous relationship has ended without a mere personal contact. i feel so sad that sorries did not work on us. on my friend's side, i feel the essence of that sorry. i hope i felt the same way. but i think, what i thinking of is that i have a like-the-guy partner who would try to have me once again. i did my best, but my best wasn't good enough, what could have happened if he has also shown his best? i always wonder on that.

this time, i am holding the gift that my girl friend refused to receive from his boyfriend. i promised the guy to hand it over to the girl on my best. this gift makes me think of a chance that they have and a chance that i have lost. if they only know about it - it's the chance to be happy. still, i believe i can't tell most for them. i have my own case and they also have theirs. the point is as long as there is chance, there should always be an effort geared towards fighting and making everything better.

i want to cry right now..i am again missing someone...i hate it when i am in this status. i am being unproductive and very much weird.

oh God please help me...this is really not good anymore...

yesterday, i was feeling so brave of moving. i got that little courage to say that i can now manage. but now..what is this? why is it that i am regretting over saying that i am strong. maybe because my little bravery has already expired. i am back to the real me - so vulnerable and truly weak. Oh God, please help me. i just want You to guide me through these dark premonitions that are on the loose in my mind. you know how i pray hard to you each day of my life. You know that my desire is geared towards one thing that i don't want to say because i want to deny it for always. i hate to think that i am like this stupid. why am i thinking of the same person each day and night? can u give me that strength to let go of the past that made me cry pails of tears. right this very moment, i am tempted to view his friendster account. that is one thing that i haven't done for the past weeks since i made my own. i just want to check if this person is doing just fine and if another person has already been found by that person again. maybe, i feel all these things out of great inferiority. i feel so bad about myself for being like this. being me is the cause of why our relationship has not worked. but what do i have to do? do i have to change? this is me...and i cannot live a life of pretention just to satisfy my partner. Lord, I always wantto follow the trail of your light. let me be on it right now. tell me if there is really hope between the two of us. why am i so disturbed? is anything happening? could that person be thinking of me also. Oh God, help me! don't make me lose my head. I trust your providence. I know i will not be able to pass this test if there is no You. Lord, I just wanna give this true love to the person that is so right...please prove me Lord that i am right in this unchanged thought that that person is the undefeated right one for me...

way back into love

could there still be such thing?

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration 
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

nobody knows...

it's already 11:30 in my watch. i still have my classes early 7 tomorrow. i have just finished my homework and the few pages of the book that i am currently finishing. my aunt knocked at my door to offer my bedtime milk. i should be fast sleeping by now. but look, my eyes are wide open and my consciousness is still at its peak. i need a psychologist to analyze the way my mind is running this time. maybe i just need someone to talk to. lately i have found out that i seldom talk to people. i am so glad that i have my daily professors who never failed to call me for recitation. at least, in a day, i manage to talk and share a little about my ideas.

i just can't trust anybody anymore. i don't know why but i am so afraid. i don't know who are those true people are. i feel really so weird. i would often look at the skyline and seconds later i'll find out that time has passed faster than ever and i was looking at the same thing. i thought well and reckoned that i might be losing my sanity already. on the other hand, the fact that i can still deliver this message is a manifestation that i am still in control of my mind. i remembered a line from a book with this character who got crazy - "goodbye sweet sanity." i was very much unimpressed with the author. i don't think one can get crazy if he or she knows he or she will get crazy. so be it - i am not yet losing my mind. but what is happening?

i think i am just not at peace. i keep on thinking about things that i should no longer mind now. but how could i? those things are already my life. =( i would say they were the reasons why i wake up each day and persevere to become a better person. i just wish i could find a new reason to start. like what my previous blogs conveyed, i want a life...it's so long that i have been dead.

i can see that nobody seems to care about what i really feel. but i don't wanna mind it. it's my fault. i have always been so private. i would keep all my hurts by myself. this blog is like my diary. nobody seems to visit this. i don't know if there are anybody who tried reading my fuckin' entries. but what matters most is that i say what i want.

nobody knows i am in great sorrow..that's it...

starting from now...

it's so odd that after all the pain that i have experienced, i am still standing. but that thing just makes me say that God has never left my side. He made me feel so genuine once again. although there are still these traces or scars, i know i am healing up. sooner or later, i'll prove my lines that i'll get stronger than ever.

starting from now, i should try not to think of falling in love again. it's really hard. i can still remember the very first time i fell. she just went away, the other ones played and the last one might have fooled me and made me settle on wordly urges. there is really a danger in loving somebody too much. loving will always ask you to give your best. later on, you'll just see that that best will never be appreciated. at the sight of imperfection, lust and earthly things, one will forget about love and search for someone who can simply satisfy high standard criteria. i am not perfect. i never experienced being so and i think i'll never ever experience it. forever, i'll be living with the same me. just these times, i realized that i have really accepted who i am. before, i say i would change me just to satisfy him. but this time, it's no longer like that. i'll remain to be me. take it or leave it. i am best with what and who i am. no matter how many times you discriminate me from other guys, i know i am unique and nobody can ever be me.

starting from now, i shall love myself more. i have gone a long way waking up with the thought of other's comfort. right, i should have not said or thought about this. but, i have learned. since you haven't appreciated the best that i am giving, then let me just give that best for me. i would have really been very glad to give that to you because i truly love you. on the other hand, you discarded them all, you put my efforts into waste.

starting from now, i'll be a better man...and i promise that when we see each other in the crossroad, i'll have my face chinned up. it's not to boast about me, but to let you know i am still standing stronger than ever to face this bizarre life on my own. life is too short. i really wished to spend it with you and see the days come and nights fade in eternity. but, we could have really lost that chance...

starting from now, i'll try to set my heart free the way you made me feel like you have easily let me off your heart. the bad thing is that i cannot anymore sing the most of the songs in my playlist. they all remind me of you...of us. i'll try not to miss you. i'll make the most of my available time so that i;ll not be left vacant. with that, i will no longer feel pro-longed pain and my eyes will rest from these tears. three months ago, i let you hold my heart...three months ago, i trusted your hands...have you really failed me?

starting from now, i'll do my best to fulfill my promises to myself...i always mean my promises...let me mean it for myself this time...

early feelings...

i have never had a nice wake up since i broke up with my previous relationship. i always have this different kind of feeling when i start to open my eye or even sooner after i gather up a partial consciousness out of being asleep. this morning, it happened again. my heart was beating too fast and all i know was that i was thinking of many things that happened in the past. the situation is so regular. it's really clear that i am still thinking about that person. my mind is always pre-occupied by the thoughts of this person who happened to be the one who made me believe in so many promises.

when i start to recall back on the days that we were still together, i cannot help but cry on so many things that were put into nothing. i was once told by this person that guarantee is already assured that we'll be making it until the end. i looked back on those messages that i kept and it hurts me a lot to know that once I was told of being the best. later on, before we broke i heard words that the person got mistaken in saying that best was found in me. Maybe someone far better than me was really found. what hurts most was that i was not accepted for who i am. it was from that person that i expected much about acceptance. it was a chagrin to know that I'll find the grim discrimination in that person's thoughts and words.

one thing is for sure..i keep on denying my love because i am very much disappointed with what the person did to me. on the other hand, everything is just a denial of the truth that love lingers in my heart...as it continually lingers in me, I'll never stop getting hurt for it's simultaneously lined with the feeling of hope that someday we'll end up together again.

music and me

before, i was just very much interested with the tune of the song. later on i have found that the real essence of the songs lies on its lyrics. it's the content that cultivates the soul of the song. i have never been this kind of music lover like before. on the other hand, i think it's the present need of mine which made me crave for the right music each day of my life...Recently, i have encountered a lot of challenges. Most are emotional. On the other hand, physically, i am also affected. i haven't slept for nights for i kept on thinking about the why's on earth. life has been so unfair as what i always told myself. i have been good but i have never experienced prolonged bliss. Music actually boosted my emotions. it made me feel more about the aches. i hated it at first. later on, i realized music just helped me face the reality. it made me conquer all the fears left by my experiences. now all i can say is that i wanna pray harder and lean to God. There is no one who can understand me the way He does. When He gave music, He gave me the hope to see the light on these things. I know I should never get stagnant with my emotions. I should change. I am not demanding time to make it faster. Gradually, I shall learn to forget. The hard thing is that music keeps on reminding me that there's an unexpected thing that I should always get myself prepared of. Whatever it is, I shall sing with it once again. As i do so in the future, I'll try to prolong the lyrics and add more notes so that it will not end that fast...As for now, I wanna rest...COULD YOU JUST GIVE ME A SHOULDER TO LEAN ON AS I TRY TO BE A BETTER MAN?...

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
cause its not my fault
I know Ive been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
Im in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doing all I can
To be a better man

Once youve found that lover
Youre homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel Im getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord Im doin all I can
To be a better man

status check: the reason behind the changes

it's actually a sad day for me. my friend reacted when i told her about it a while ago. she said "hey paul, it seems like you're sadness is becoming very regular. you're not being like that before. now, it seems like everyday is a sad day for you." i wished to defend myself and say that she's mistaken. but what for? she is just right..she's too accurate in her observation. maybe she has seen lots about my behavior lately. i do smile on jokes but it's no longer like before that i'll give a reply or another to prolong conversations. currently, i would just wish to be alone rather that be with the crowd. this is actually making schooling a hard thing now. given the chance, i'd wish to hire a tutor. but how could i do so with me taking up Nursing. It's pathetic to hire a private or personal clinical instructor to teach me with the lots.

the reason behind these gross changes is my inability to adjust. another i think is my inability to accept that i believed and my believe was too impartial and it did not realize.
so abstract as my statement would seem but it's the best words that i can safely use to let you know about the reasons behind it all. simple truth: i am not fine but i am trying to be so...

the start

i have never expected that through all these years that i have been spending my life, one day i'll come to know more about who i really am. it's indeed true. you never know who you really are until time makes it possible for you to do so. Accordingly, it could have just been one of God's little surprises that one day i'll come to discover about something that i have never noticed before. With all these i remember my Philosophy class. it made real sense that everything i learned really applies. it says that i am just human. being human is simultaneously associated with being a finite individual. thus, i don't have the ability to fully comprehend with everything for i do not have the capacity to do so. Only the infinite mind of the supernatural Creator can give me the answers to the varying questions that rock my mind as of the recent times.

now that i know more about me, i'll continue to search for my partial finity. it all starts now as i let some people know about experiences that define my mind's prolific vicinity...